So new topic. My mom stayed home with my brother and me when we were little. She went back to school when I was in third grade, I think, and became a dental hygienist. She started back at work the year I started 7th grade, so was essentially home with us until I was in middle school. I've always assumed I would be a stay at home mom, because that's what moms do. This was not a popular view in college. I got a lot of grief from other girls at school when I would say that eventually I wanted to have kids and stay home with them. I'm talking comments like "then why even bother to go to college? What a waste." I thought the whole point of the feminist movement was women's choice, but clearly that choice didn't apply at my school unless your choice was to get a degree and start some high-powered career.
I graduated from school, went to graduate school (which had never been in my plans) worked in the federal government for almost five years, got married, and here I am: pregnant, done working, and looking forward to being home with my baby. The problem is that somewhere along the way I started feeling like I need to justify this choice to people who ask. Friends, coworkers, even family have asked what I plan to do after I have the baby. Instead of saying "stay at home," which, to me, is still the obvious answer (for me) I get all flustered and mutter something about "you know, I'll be home, what with Joe being in the military and being gone a lot, we figured one of us should stay home ramble stutter blah blah blah." Which is a complete copout, and I feel like I'm essentially blaming Joe's career for something that both us had decided before we got married. I *want* to stay home, I'm looking forward to staying home, and it was never considered that I would be going back to work. Yet I realized the other day when my sister-in-law asked how long I would be home (implied: before finding a new job) and I went into my lame rambling response that there is no reason I need to justify this decision to anyone and yet I keep feeling as though I should be.
So what do you think? Whether you stay home or work out of the home, or plan to do one or the other, do you have problems explaining your reasoning to people? Do you feel like it even requires an explanation? Because suddenly I do, and I can't figure out why.
4 comments:
I understand the whole explaining thing. Right now, we're dealing with well-meaning friends who are wondering if we're trying to have a baby. (We're not, and probably will never have kids.) It always segues into me stammering out "Well, we're not trying now, but maybe someday..."
In all honesty, I went to college with a girl who was getting a degree but planning on getting married right after graduation, having kids and staying home, and I thought: why? Not that I felt she shouldn't go to school or get a degree, but she was planning on going to work only once the kids had graduated, and I figured whatever degree she got in 1996 wasn't going to mean much at that point.
And by "whatever degree she got in 1996 wasn't going to mean much by that point," I mean I wondered if she would even be interested in that line of work 18 years later. Sorry if that came out wrong.
My mom was a single parent from the start and worked as a nurse in a hospital on night shifts so that she could be home with my sister and I during the day. I asked her when she was able to sleep (only when we did?) and she said not much. Once we went to school she got a 8-5 job, but it was important to her even though it meant no sleep.
So, obviously with my family staying home is a big deal, and most of my friends want to/are already stay home. I am planning on staying home, but may have to watch other kids or work part time to keep some income coming in :)
While I totally understand your feeling that you have to explain/justify wanting to stay home, you really don't. It took me a long time to get used to saying "I stay at home with my daughter" when people asked me what I did without feeling the need to add anything. For some reason it feels like being a SAHM isn't seen as work, but of course we all know that it is. The only person you owe an explanation to is your husband and your kid, beyond that it's no one's business.
Next thing you know you'll be a SAHM and moms who also work outside the home will think you're looking down on them for their choice. You just can't win.
PS - I don't think a college degree is ever wasted. I mean, most of what I learned in college was not job-related, but it was life lessons, how to be the kind of person I want to be, that kind of stuff. The entire college experience shapes you, I think, and that can never be a waste.
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